Days 8 & 9

The problem with being a disorganized perfectionist is that the perfectionism can be paralyzing. If I can't do a thing perfectly, I may not do it at all. This is why I am attempting this project of life transformation in baby steps, so that this monster I am trying to kill is cut into tiny, bite-sized pieces. For example, I can create a notebook in which to keep all the pertinent information of my life, so that everything I have to keep organized (like to-do lists, projects and reference info) is all in one place. In fact, I did this today. I forgot to write anything in it (old habits die slowly), but at least I created it. That deserves a gold star, doesn't it?

Part of this journey also involves this delving into self-awareness called journaling. So I must be honest and authentic about my days. Yesterday, I spent the entire day doing dishes, picking up toys, and generally moving junk around so that the house could be cleaned. Sometimes I feel like I just keep moving the same piles back and forth, so that the house gets cleaned, but the clutter remains. And every time I move a pile of something, I feel discouraged, because I've moved that pile so many times before. That is, until yesterday. Yesterday I thought, 'I have a plan.' This plan is hard. I am not a natural organizer - I never have been. (I have a memory from childhood, where I cleaned and organized my room, including drawers and the closet, my desk - everything. Except ... in my closet was a large cardboard box filled with stuff. It was all the things I didn't know what to do with, but didn't want cluttering my floor.)

The whole reason I'm working through this process is because I really, legitimately want change in my life. I want to simplify. I want to reduce stress. I know that part of achieving this is to simplify and straighten my physical environment. To this end, I've read every organizing tip out there (or so it feels). And the problem is this: organizing tips are written by natural organizers. They don't have a clue what my struggle is like because they like to organize things, and creative solutions flow through them. I need advice from someone who has crawled away from the clutter monster, bleeding and wounded, and survived. And that person doesn't seem to exist. Yet.

If all goes well, and the monster doesn't chew me up and spit me out, someday that person will be me.

Day 6

Over the weekend (days 4 & 5 of my project), I found that the morning affirmation went easier. My husband helped me come up with some of my good qualities, which is probably cheating on some level, but it helped to hear his thoughts. Then we shared five things we are each thankful for. It was nice.

I focused on diet for the weekend. I read information that links breast cancer to Type A blood type. According to what I read, there is a higher occurrence of breast cancer among women with Type A blood, and of those who get breast cancer, those with Type A blood tend to get a more aggressive strain. Since I have a personal history of breast cancer, and since my blood type is A, I kept reading. According to this doctor, the best thing I can do to protect myself against a recurrence is to eat soy. Well, I have not, in the past, been a soy girl, but I have decided to try to add a little bit of soy to my diet every day. It is not a big change, but my hope is that I will have noticeable results in my overall health.

Today, I put together my master notebook, with tabs for contacts, shopping lists, recipes, master task lists, calendar, etc. So far, there is nothing in it, but it certainly makes me feel like I have the potential to be organized.  I put a page in where I list the stressors in my life, and my goals for changing. I even signed a contract with myself promising that I would not give up, that I will keep putting one foot in front of the other as I journey toward a simpler, more balanced life.

I have my goal. I have my contract. I have you, dear reader, my accountability partner. I feel like a warrior, dressed for battle. Lets go slay some giants.

Day 3

Today, I began to work on my internal conversation. We all have one, those words and thoughts that fly through our minds. I know that how I think directs where I go, yet I allow all sorts of negative thoughts to go unchecked. This is the day that I start to turn that around.

I started by saying aloud - 'This is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it.' I thought - today is a good day. I wonder what will happen today? I know it will be good.  -  It felt slightly ridiculous, but this is, after all, and experiment in self-transformation. And as awkward as this exercise in positive affirmation feels, I'm willing to do it if it will affect change.

I then thought of my positive qualities, and could only come up with one thing. I decided not to push it because, as I go through this everyday, my hope is that I will become more connected with my true self and more aware of my areas of giftedness. Today, I acknowledged that I am a giving, caring person, especially with my family, and I have very solid, healthy relationships with my children and husband. I want to be as authentic as possible, and this is truly all I could come up with today. I am looking forward to the day when this part is easier.

I then prayed, trying to connect with God and His presence before I really started my day. I visualized my day flowing very smoothly. I said good morning to my children with a smile on my face (my husband was already gone to work). I then thought of five things I'm thankful for today:

the home I live in
a dusting of snow on the ground
my husband
my bright and beautiful children
the Power to change, which resides in me.

Day 2

This is the day I take stock. The truth is that disappointment and dissatisfaction arise when expectations don't match one's reality. If, for example, we expect to get straight A's, and we get four A's and a B, we are disappointed. If, on the other hand, we expect straight B's and we get four A's and a B, we're thrilled. So it is with life.

There are so many facets of my life - my physical environment, my physical body, my spiritual life, my relationships, my finances, my mission. And within all this, I ask myself if I take enough time for me - for my personal growth, and do I manage my time well so as to do the best I can with what I'm given? The answer here is clearly not a resounding 'yes', because if it were, I wouldn't be starting this journey. The distance between my expectations and my reality differ for the various parts of my life, but there is great importance in putting some sort of measure on that distance. I need to see clearly where I am going, and why I am doing this, so that when I feel overwhelmed on this path toward change, I can pull out this roadmap of where I'm headed, and use it as a motivation to keep going.

At this season in my life, the three areas where I desire most to see change are in home management, my personal health, and my mission. My personal environment depresses me. Everywhere I look, disorganization reigns, and I feel like I'm in a constant, losing battle with the clutter monster. As for my health - I simply don't feel like I'm at 100%, and I haven't since 2007 when I spent nine months receiving treatment for cancer. I get virtually no exercise at all and I realize that for my future life, that absolutely must change. And finally, in the area of mission, I want to start living more deliberately. God has placed me in this place, at this time, for a specific purpose. I desire to connect more fully with my mission, and live it out daily.

And so I have measured my life. I have come face to face with my shortcomings. And the epiphany I have had is this: I am not helpless. The power to change lies within me.

Day 1

My life is out of balance. I feel it in the morning when I wake, and instead of joy, I experience a feeling akin to disappointment that I have to face my day. I am overwhelmed by my responsibilities, by the many repetitive tasks that face me every day.

You see, I am a homeschooling mom, whose job it is to raise and educate my children, and manage my home. I have taken this job on by choice, but it seems that I am constantly called upon to operate in my area of greatest weakness. I am an organized thinker (undergrad degree in mathematics, graduate degree in law), but my physical environment is one of chaos. I am drowning in clutter - and paper, and toys, and dishes, and laundry, and...  And this, in turn, impacts my emotional state and steals my joy. Yet what do I do? Everyday, I get up and go through the same motions. I put out the fires that threaten to burn us down, but I make no real progress. How many times a day do I open a closet or cupboard, and think, 'Oh my word, I need to clean this out.' Yet, it never happens. The same closets have needed cleaning out for months, and I feel a lack of ability to take control. I feel like my toolbox is empty. I don't know where to begin.

And then, a while back, I was reading the blog Xandrepress, and she wrote something simple that, for me, was deeply profound. She said (as though speaking to me) that I will never change who I am until I change what I do. So I will begin, today, changing what I do. Today is the first step towards transformation.

I am not foolish enough to think it will be easy. Each day will be a choice. In order to improve my chances for success, I've done two things. I've chosen a blueprint to follow, which can be found here. And I've chosen an accountability partner - you, dear reader.

So, with little fanfare, I start my journey toward balance.